There’s a feeling that’s so powerful, you don’t know what to do with. It takes but a second to strike, but once it does, it lingers for hours. I speak of ‘the gap’.
You’re having a conversation or are out with people. Things are normal…you’re engaged and life is great. You’re not really even thinking. You’re in the moment. And then someone will say or do something and this giant, massive void opens up between you. It could be an off-hand comment, or a (well-intentioned) joke. But once spoken, you realize how different you are. You wonder if you’re at all similar to this person/group. You wonder why you even hang out with them in the first place. And all of those other thoughts. Or, on a more insecure day, you wonder about yourself. You wonder if they view you differently. If you’ll ever truly fit in. And all of those other thoughts.
I assume it happens the most to people in minority situations. I don’t just mean that in the sense that those who are ethnic minorities, but a republican in a democratic office, or a woman among men, etc.
But once that huge, gaping void opens up, there’s no turning back. And it’s one of those things I’ve felt at various times in my life for various reasons be it, politics, philosophy, a view on something like inner cities, etc– and each time I’m struck by what a completely intense, overpowering, and lonely feeling it is.
(this hasn’t happened in the past few weeks to me, but was instead a stored entry in my head)
2 Responses
Taz
December 14th, 2007 at 4:20 am
1Oh my god, totally happened this weekend. I was talking to an acquaintance in DC about a stick figure on the back of my business card. He asked if I was playing hang man. I said, no I stopped playing hang man. He said, “Why, do you think it’s racist?” and I said, “yeah.” and he laughed this really long laugh while I squirmed there not knowing what to say. So I didn’t say anything. Anyways, I recounted this story to a friend later that evening who I thought was a ‘critical thinker’ but as soon as I retold this story, his response was, “I would have laughed too. It’s not racist.” And I had to totally bite my tongue cuz I realized right then and there, that I had forgotten that this friend didn’t think like me. And I didn’t see this friend the rest of the weekend I was in DC….
Hope SF is treating you well.
Joe C
December 15th, 2007 at 12:26 am
2When my son was born with Down Syndrome is when I first experienced what I would consider the Gap you speak of in my life. A single word took on new meaning, most people aren’t being malicious when they use it and most don’t realize the impact it can have.
But when spoken it now freezes me, and nothing else they say has the same meaning.
My approach to these situations has changed over time; If I feel the person is worth saving, if I believe they were brought up in a way where this was common place, and if I think they’re smart enough to understand and make a change in their fundamental makeup.
I stop them, not in an aggressive or angry way. Not with disappointment, or judgment. Simply by asking them to think about what they said and let them know how it might be taken by someone they know and may consider a friend.
Usually they apologize, which is also not the intended result. I tell them don’t be sorry, just give pause before you say something or someone is Retarded. Because it’s really not the word you were searching for given the context.
One by one, by talking to people and asking them to stop and think before they speak I believe we can close the Gaps.
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Surya is...
an Internet entrepreneur turned Brand Manager. I've “returned” to my roots and today focus on emerging media strategy. And strange as it is, if I look familiar its because I was on the TV show The Apprentice. And, yes, I know it was terrible.
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